“What I really want,” said a bride during a planning meeting, “is to be married with a few close friends and family in the morning in an orchard under apple trees in bloom.”

The trouble was that her mother was pushing for the standard afternoon wedding, sit down dinner, open dance to follow. I told her I was quite fine with her plan. We even set two possible Saturdays, because it is hard to know exactly when apples will bloom.

It was up to her, however, to talk to her mother and stand up for this arrangement. I don’t remember if I said this to her, but I told many couples that the conversations around family expectations were good work. Done well, these conversations would set the groundwork for how they would manage family pressure going forward. It was not wasted energy.

Mostly, couples did carry through with the negotiations that we identified in the planning sessions. Not always though. There was a couple with complicated parental breakups. I gave them the task of figuring out where to sit mom and dad who could not be next to each other. As the couple arrived at the rehearsal, I asked what they had figured out. “We didn’t,” the groom said. “You decide.” The anger was too near the surface, the relationships too complicated.

“What I really want,” said a bride, “is to be sure everyone can see us. Not our backs but our faces.”

This was a problem for me that came up pretty often. A wedding is a solemn ceremony, not a show. I wanted the couple to focus on the moment and each other, not the people watching.

I learned to give in on this one, somewhat. At the rehearsal, we would find a way to arrange the wedding party in some kind of “v” formation, profiles to the gathered people, facing each other, able to look at me when I needed their attention. There were some shy people who were super happy to have their backs to the crowd. Helped them relax.

Many weddings happened away from the church at a spot important to the couple. These took more effort to plan for both for the couple and for me. I always asked about the rain plan, and usually there was a tent. There were different details, like who was going to suggest people take their seats as the time came close.

And I had two standard rules: set a time when you will stop working and get ready, and no alcohol will be served before the wedding. Follow through on the second was pretty good though not absolute. I never had to not do the wedding, though there was one at the church where I wondered.

One of the most difficult things to deal with was people getting angry during the ceremony. It’s understandable given the level of expectation but still hard. A ring bearer came to the door of the church, which had been relatively empty at the rehearsal, saw the full pews and decided to crawl under the pews to get to the front. The bride was furious. I joked that this was a story that would be told at his wedding.

At the rehearsal, I normally mentioned that rings may or may not go on easily. If it only got to the second knuckle, let the person slide it on the rest of the way themselves was my advice. When a groom got flustered and couldn’t remember which hand to put to ring on, the bride swore at him under her breath. Called him an idiot. I hope their marriage is okay.

The only people I wanted to swear at were photographers.

I would catch them just before the service to go over where they could and could not be. But then came a tradition of capturing the moment the bride got into the car to come to the church and the moment she got out. Which meant I did not get to speak to them. After a photographer got between me and the couple – as I kept going on with the service in as pleasant a tone as I could manage – I insisted on being in touch with them ahead of time.

There were many lovely ceremonies, couples who were attentive to the moment, older couples who planned relaxed community celebrations.

I remember laughter and joy and celebration, some sadness about who was not present.

But the expectations that go with weddings can be intense.

And when they are, things get complicated.

Cathy Hird lives on the traditional territory of the Saugeen Ojibway Nation.

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